A little while ago, a student asked me for tips on how to make idle conversation with women. My response, as you can see below, somehow became a rather lengthy explanation of my understanding of the art of conversation.
I figured you guys might enjoy it, so here it is!
There is an ongoing statement in the seduction community that says “NEVER ASK QUESTIONS”. The idea is that when we are picking up a woman, we must avoid falling back into that “interview mode” that AFCs usually fall into when they want to keep a conversation going. These are those standard interview-like questions that every chode and his mother will ask a girl over and over again throughout her life. “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” “Where did you go to school?” How many times has the average HB heard those questions? Hundreds? Thousands?
These are the kinds of questions that you need to train yourself to avoid asking.
Unfortunately, people tend to take the above statement a little too literally and really NEVER ask any questions.
This is not what a calibrated PUA does.
The proper way to do this is to reframe those interview-style questions into statements, such as stating “You seem like and East Coast girl.” or something like that instead of just asking where she’s from. You’ll either be right or wrong, but the girl will still give you an answer regardless. From there, you can start to ask follow-up questions if you want to. So if the girl tells you that she’s really from X, you can say “Oh X! That’s groovy. What do they have for like, landmarks and touristy stuff there?” Or whatever information about where she’s from that you GENUINELY want to know. Or if you know something about the place: “Oh X! That’s groovey. I take it you’ve been to the ___ then? It’s actually on my list of things to visit during my travels.” So you ask a follow-up question AFTER you have made a statement and got the girl to invest in an interaction.
This is, of course, a GENERAL GUIDELINE, but it gives you an idea of how things tend to flow. It is not a strict rule, and there will be moments where you need to ask a direct question. This is just an example of what you might want to do instead of just asking “where are you from?”
Books like How to Win Friends and Influence People tell you to listen and let other people talk and ask follow-up questions and talk about details and such. This is good advice if you do it in small amounts, but as a PUA you also have to make sure that you are leading the conversation.
When you find out where she’s from, the girl might tell you a story or talk about something to do with where she’s from, or you can just continue to lead the conversation by going off into a story about how you LOVE checking out any interesting landmarks or tourist attractions whenever you travel or whatever. And then maybe you’ll tell a story about something that happened when you were trying to take a picture of something but were interrupted by a humorous incident. And then maybe she’ll tell you about how she loves photography, and you can ask a question or two about that, and so on and so on.
This is how natural conversation flows. You both talk back and forth and jump from one topic to another fluidly. The trick is to make sure that you are leading the conversation so that she doesn’t go off into some huge rant about some drama with her ex or her girlfriends, or he boss, etc, etc. Women have a tendency to just go onto the same old boring topics that they talk about with everybody. If you let this happen, she will eventually get bored of the conversation and unconsciously blame you for it, even though she was the one who steered the conversation in that direction in the first place! It’s not her fault though, she was expecting you to lead the conversation, and you DIDN’T. As a result, you lost value in her eyes. You need to make sure that you are steering the conversation to where you want it to go, but not necessarily dominate it (as most aspiring PUAs try to do). As you move into the comfort phase of the courtship, you should both be contributing to the conversation almost equally.
Conversation is about building a connection, and in order to do that you need to talk about things that actually BUILD CONNECTION. Make sure you avoid useless topics of idle conversation.
So what do you talk about then?
Conversation topics can usually be grouped into a couple of categories:
Things that are happening in the world – politics, movies, music, things on the news, etc
Things that are happening to people you know – gossip, drama, funny stories about friends, etc
Things that are happening to you – what you are doing, where you are going, adventures or interesting activities that you tend to get up to
Things that you love or hate. – your hobbies, your pet peeves, your favourite books, movies, music, friends, enemies, etc
I tend to avoid the first two categories because they are really just forms of idle small talk. Have you ever found yourself stuff in a conversation with someone that you really aren’t interested in talking to? Those are the times when the first two categories usually come out. You talk about movies or music or politics or maybe even gossip if you know some of the same people. These conversations go nowhere and don’t do anything but fill in awkward silence.
The second two categories are things that should be of interest to your partner. These are the kinds of things that you both should be talking about. These are the topics that convey who you are!
I find that when I’m building a connection like this, I just talk about anything that is important to me. I’ll talk about my writing and how much it means to me to be able to make another person experience a powerful emotion just by reading the words that I write down on a page. I’ll talk about how much I love to get my nails done at a salon because I love being pampered. I’ll talk about the necklace that I wear that sort of looks like the symbol for medicine but is really a powerful spiritual sigil and how it is connected with why I style my hair into large red devil horns. I’ll talk about the human pineal gland and how that is of particular interest to my spirituality and how it connects to both my writing AND my necklace and devil horns. I’ll talk about how I used to be an amazing artist and how I lost my skills when I got into computer graphics, but how that allowed me to pay my own way through university by building websites for companies. I’ll talk about the things I want to do with my life and how I’m actively working towards those goals. I’ll talk about how much I love to travel and how I can’t figure out if my next big trip will be a tour through Europe, or the Pyramids in Egypt. I’ll talk about how I got my favourite record by my favourite musical artist signed by him in person and how it trips me out that it’s 20 years older than I am and how I love to just chill with my friends and listen to classic rock on the original vinyl records.
See what I wrote there? That took less than five minutes to write all those possible conversation topics off of the top of my head. Notice how they are all about the things that I love and/or things that I am currently doing? Notice how each one conveys different aspects of my personality? Think about how much you just learned about who I am and what I’m all about just by reading what I wrote there!
Also notice that for every one of these topics there is plenty of room for you to talk about how any of those topics correspond to her. You need to make sure that you are also talking about things that will allow you to really get to know who she is and what she is all about. You can talk about her artistic talents or what she does to express herself creatively. You can talk about the places she has travelled to or wants to travel to. You can talk about her hopes and dreams and plans. The possibilities are endless.
Notice something else here as well: I’m not just talking about things I like, I’m talking about things that mean something to me.
For instance, if I were to just talk about how much I love classic cars, it would bore the shit out of the average girl. But if I were to talk about how the first car I ever bought (a 1975 Chevy Monte Carlo) was actually my DREAM CAR, and how my mom always drove these old 70’s Monte Carlos when I was a kid, so I practically grew up in those cars and it was always my dream to own one of my own? That can be a very compelling story.
See the difference?
Once again: the purpose of conversation is to create a connection. Talking about the kinds of things I have mentioned above will give you both the feeling that you really KNOW each other. You are telling each other emotionally compelling things about yourselves. And that’s what creating a connection is.